Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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