Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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