I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
