Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
