She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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