i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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