Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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