I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
