so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
