I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
