Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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