I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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