I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
