I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
