Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
