Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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