Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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