I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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