It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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