All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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