If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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