I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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