There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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