dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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