I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
