I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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