i'm lost and i look like a hooker
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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