woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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