Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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