It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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