fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
