Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
