If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
