Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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