the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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