1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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