Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
