I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
