I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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