My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
