If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
