Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
