If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
