just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
