I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
