textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
