If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
