I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
