My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
