i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
