I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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