your thong is hanging out like whoa
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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