And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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