My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
